Hello Uncertainty

A year ago, I thought I had my whole life planned out: I was going to go to pharmacy school after two years of college, graduate from pharmacy school at 23, get a job straight out of school, marry my hot, successful, and ever-so-loving soulmate at 24, and start a family at 25. My life was going to be perfect.

And now? I don’t know if I’m going to make it to pharmacy school, or even if I still want to go to pharmacy school. I have no idea who or when I’m going to get married, or if I’m going to get married at all. For the first time a long while, I have no idea what I’m doing.

Part of me is relieved — almost excited that my plans might be changing. I mean, I hate science. I ask myself all the time why I am forcing myself to struggle through these classes that I despise just to end up in a career that I couldn’t care less about. Just for the money? For the job security? To satisfy the career goals that my parents set out for me? What am I doing? I mean, I don’t mind working at a pharmacy. I don’t hate my job like some people do, so it could be worse. But I just can’t help but wonder if there is something better out there — something that I would actually enjoy doing.

The other part of me is scared out of my mind to abandon the plans that I’ve made. I’ve put in so much time, effort, and money into this future. Now, I face the possibility of having all my hard work come crashing down. And where will I turn if my plans don’t work out? What kind of options are there for a girl who has no special hobbies, talents, or passions? And how would my parents react? Honestly, I don’t know if I have the courage to find out the answers to these questions.

Basically, I had a mental breakdown last weekend over this whole situation, and I still haven’t quite figured out what I’m going to do. I guess if I don’t fail out of Organic Chemistry by the end of the semester, a decision will have to be made… Two more months before I have to decide my future.